Marital Stress (Part 3)

Marital Stress (Part 3)

I really thought I was done after Part 2, but I could not stop there. I feel it is also important to discuss relationship values.

On what values are successful marriages built? We know about trust and understanding. In order to have a deep meaningful relationship with another person, you must be able to trust what they say and understand who they are and vice versa. Those are obvious points, although not always simple.

What about selflessness? How can someone truly love and support you if they place their own needs first? On the flip side, how can you truly love and support someone else if you place your own needs first? You know the saying “there’s no I in team.” Well, couples are teams. What the couple does individually should serve to benefit the “team” as a whole.

I see this as one of society’s greatest weaknesses. Selfishness is overwhelming in our society. This generation, myself included, has been taught that we can do and be and have whatever we want. However, somewhere along the way to getting what we want we lost the ability to give. I believe this is more than just about compromise. Compromise is a beginning. Compromise indicates working together to make a decision on which both can agree. It is a necessary skill, but I think marriage needs more. Selflessness is saying “I love you and I want you to be happy, and if you are happy, then I am happy. Selflessness is joy in seeing your significant other living a full and satisfying life. Selflessness is putting the needs of others before your own. There is joy in selflessness.

This is a difficult concept for many people to understand. We have been taught that we are important and do not let anyone get in your way. We have been taught to be independent and take care of ourselves first. It is a challenging balance, but it is possible to value ourselves and be selfless at the same time. We do have needs that need to be met, and if our significant other is selfless as well, then those needs will be met.

It is all in how we think and perceive things. If we tell ourselves that our needs should come first, then we become frustrated and impatient when those needs do not get met. However, if we tell ourselves that the needs of others are of greatest importance, then we do not become so tired and angry. It takes practice and patience, but changing the selfish mindset is possible. We are human and selfishness will often find a way to sneak in. Forgive yourself and try again. Find joy in giving and you will find happiness!

Marital Stress (Part 2)

The focus of this post is PREVENTION. How do you PREVENT marital stress? Well, that is kind of a trick question because you can’t actually prevent marital stress. Stress is normal and healthy. Overcoming challenges in a marriage can actually help the marriage grow stronger. However, you can reduce the likelihood and intensity marital stress and discord.

Communication

It is no secret that communication is a key component to any successful marriage. Successful communication involves active listening and conscientious speaking. Notice I said “successful” communication. Dogs communicate. Do you understand what a dog says? No, thus communication is not successful. Some conversations people have with one another are not that different from having a conversation with a dog. You kind of get the idea of what the dog wants – to go outside, food, attention – but you do not get the full picture or sometimes are completely wrong.

Active Listening

Listening and hearing are not equal. To actively listen, you must have the ability to recall and understand most of what is said. Active listening involves requesting clarification when you are not sure what the speaker trying to express. If your wife says “I just had a terrible day,” it would be beneficial to clarify this further. She could be saying that she dislikes her job, her boss, or her co-workers or that she has been feeling under the weather. If your best male friend says “I don’t feel like going to the game” he could be saying he is disappointed in the team’s performance lately or that he is avoiding someone that he knows will be there. Requesting clarification prevents assumptions, which relationship killers. We all know the saying, when you assume you make an – well, you get the idea. Never assume you understand what someone else is saying.

Active listening also involves reflection. Reflection is restating what the other person has said. This further enhances clarification, but also shows the listener that you are indeed listening to what they say and demonstrates comprehension. Using reflective listening is very meaningful to the speaker and often reciprocates into effective listening on his part as well.

Conscientious Speaking

“Well, I didn’t mean it THAT way!” You have likely spoken those words many times. Often misinterpretation is unavoidable, but many times we can prevent our words from being misunderstood by making speaking an active process. Think before you speak. That’s right you have heard it before. Before you speak, especially during an intense conversation, say the words in your head. Consider how the words will be interpreted. Do they say what you mean? Are they expressing thoughts or are they emotional words used to last out at another person? Will you regret saying them? Will your words hurt others? It may sound like a lot, but the pause in the conversation is well worth the conscious effort of careful speaking. If you are not able to speak without saying something hurtful do to the emotional nature of the conversation, take a break. Tell the speaker that you need to walk away for a few minutes and use the time to calm down. If the other person is an acquaintance or co-worker, you may prefer to make an excuse and simply excuse yourself for a moment. Take a few deep breaths and use positive thinking to relax and gather yourself, then return to the conversation.

These skills do not come naturally for everyone. Our style of listening and speaking forms over years of practice and observation of those around us. Making changes takes practice and time. No matter how much you practice, no one is perfect. Give yourself the gift of forgiveness when you make mistakes and use those lessons to try again.

Marital Stress (Part 1)

Marital issues are weighing heavy on my heart lately. Don't worry, Tim and I are fine, but I have had at least three people that I care about to be affected recently by marital problems. It hurts my heart to see others go through the pain of marital discourse and potential divorce. I feel compelled to write about it. Not that my little blog or Examiner articles are going to save marriages . . . but . . . you never know. If nothing else I hope that the information I can provide provokes discussion for married couples and opens the door for productive communication. 

[This is taken directly from Examiner.com. It focuses on stress because that's my role there. I plan to write another article and possibly a separate blog post to address specific marital problems and solutions]

The divorce rate in this country is on the decline. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports that in 2009 there were 3.4 divorces per 1,000 people, down from 4.0 in 2000. It should be noted that recent reports do not include statistics from all states, including California, Georgia, Hawaii or Louisiana. Reports that say “half of all marriages will end in divorce” are actually quite misleading as there is no way to predict how many marriages will end in divorce. This myth results from a misinterpretation of facts that state that the number of divorces each year is approximately half the number of marriages. While the decline is encouraging, there continue to be many homes and lives torn apart each year due to divorce and marital discourse. Finances, parenting and responsibilities at home tend to be common sources of tension between husbands and wives. Added stressors such as infidelity, drug or alcohol abuse or domestic violence can cause stress to become unmanageable.

The stress that stems from an unhappy marriage may lead to anger, irritability, depression and excessive worry. These “side effects” further make it difficult to focus on and resolve marital problems. What can you do to reduce marital stress? Find a source of social support. Locate a formal support group in your area through a search in the newspaper or contacting churches or community mental health centers. Talk to a friend, but be selective. Choose friends who you believe will be supportive of you giving unsolicited or negative advice. A female friend who you know will simply “husband bash” [or male friends who “wife bash”], may love and care about you, but is not giving you the kind of support you need to make rational decisions. This leads to another stress reducer -- avoiding negative thinking. Ruminating over what is wrong with your marriage or all of your spouse’s less than ideal traits does not solve the problem and often leads to increased anger and negativity. Instead of thinking about what is wrong with the situation, focus on what you can do to change the negative aspects of the marriage.

Continue reading on Examiner.com: Marital Stress (Part 1) - Jackson Stress Management | Examiner.com http://www.examiner.com/stress-management-in-jackson/marital-stress-part-1#ixzz1Fx9H3iMs