The focus of this post is PREVENTION. How do you PREVENT marital stress? Well, that is kind of a trick question because you can’t actually prevent marital stress. Stress is normal and healthy. Overcoming challenges in a marriage can actually help the marriage grow stronger. However, you can reduce the likelihood and intensity marital stress and discord.
Communication
It is no secret that communication is a key component to any successful marriage. Successful communication involves active listening and conscientious speaking. Notice I said “successful” communication. Dogs communicate. Do you understand what a dog says? No, thus communication is not successful. Some conversations people have with one another are not that different from having a conversation with a dog. You kind of get the idea of what the dog wants – to go outside, food, attention – but you do not get the full picture or sometimes are completely wrong.
Active Listening
Listening and hearing are not equal. To actively listen, you must have the ability to recall and understand most of what is said. Active listening involves requesting clarification when you are not sure what the speaker trying to express. If your wife says “I just had a terrible day,” it would be beneficial to clarify this further. She could be saying that she dislikes her job, her boss, or her co-workers or that she has been feeling under the weather. If your best male friend says “I don’t feel like going to the game” he could be saying he is disappointed in the team’s performance lately or that he is avoiding someone that he knows will be there. Requesting clarification prevents assumptions, which relationship killers. We all know the saying, when you assume you make an – well, you get the idea. Never assume you understand what someone else is saying.
Active listening also involves reflection. Reflection is restating what the other person has said. This further enhances clarification, but also shows the listener that you are indeed listening to what they say and demonstrates comprehension. Using reflective listening is very meaningful to the speaker and often reciprocates into effective listening on his part as well.
Conscientious Speaking
“Well, I didn’t mean it THAT way!” You have likely spoken those words many times. Often misinterpretation is unavoidable, but many times we can prevent our words from being misunderstood by making speaking an active process. Think before you speak. That’s right you have heard it before. Before you speak, especially during an intense conversation, say the words in your head. Consider how the words will be interpreted. Do they say what you mean? Are they expressing thoughts or are they emotional words used to last out at another person? Will you regret saying them? Will your words hurt others? It may sound like a lot, but the pause in the conversation is well worth the conscious effort of careful speaking. If you are not able to speak without saying something hurtful do to the emotional nature of the conversation, take a break. Tell the speaker that you need to walk away for a few minutes and use the time to calm down. If the other person is an acquaintance or co-worker, you may prefer to make an excuse and simply excuse yourself for a moment. Take a few deep breaths and use positive thinking to relax and gather yourself, then return to the conversation.
These skills do not come naturally for everyone. Our style of listening and speaking forms over years of practice and observation of those around us. Making changes takes practice and time. No matter how much you practice, no one is perfect. Give yourself the gift of forgiveness when you make mistakes and use those lessons to try again.
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