When Is It Too Much?

I've written before that stress is normal, and can even be beneficial. Stress and anxiety are indicators that something is wrong and cue us to take action to change something. If you did not experience stress at all, you would likely ignore signals that could endanger your job, relationships, and even your life. I have provided several methods for managing stress effectively to reduce its effect. However, what if these methods don't work? What if you have tried everything, but you don't feel any better? It may be time to seek professional help. 

Professional help comes in a variety of forms, but generally involves some sort of counseling. You may choose to contact a private practicing counselor or psychologist or schedule an appointment at a local community mental health center. You may also speak with your pastor or other religious leader for counseling. Physicians and psychiatrists can prescribe medication if needed

What can you expect from the first appointment with a counselor or therapist? First of all, counselors and therapist are generally different terms with essentially the same meaning. Mental health practitioners have a variety of backgrounds and degrees from counseling to social work to psychology.  Counseling offices vary somewhat depending on location. If you they are located in a clinic or with a therapy group, you will likely check-in with a receptionist and complete all of the necessary paperwork, much like you do at a doctor's office. Most clinics do try to protect your privacy in the office as much as possible, however, it is almost impossible to prevent calling out names or being seen in the waiting area. 


When you are called back, you will be greeted by your therapist and seated in their office. Yes, I said seated. While some therapists may have a couch, clients generally do not lie down. The therapist will gather as much information as possible. This includes medical and psychological history, education and employment, social and personal information such as marital status and living situation, and, of course, symptoms that you are experiencing. He may do this by asking you many brief and specific questions or he may simply ask why you made this appointment and let you provide the information. Each therapist has their own style for retrieving information and gathering adequate and accurate information is what is important. Be as honest and to-the-point as possible. Rambling is not helpful, distracts from the point, and takes valuable time (which you are paying for), so do not be offended if the therapist redirects you. You may be asked personal questions that you find embarrassing. That's okay. The therapist has heard many,many embarrassing stories and will not be offended or taken-aback by what you have to say. It is also the therapist's job to NOT judge you. His personal opinion about your behavior or thoughts is irrelevant to your treatment. The appointment time varies. Some clinics place a time-limit on appointments in order to effectively and efficiently serve all clients (including those who are scheduled after you). The appointment may last 45 minutes, 90 minutes, or even more, but generally an hour or less. You will not receive medication at a therapy appointment, unless you are seeing a psychiatrist and they often do not conduct therapy. You will not have all of your problems resolved at the end of the appointment. You will, however, have an indication of where to go from here and how the therapist can help you. In some cases you will develop a treatment plan which includes your goals and objectives for treatment. You may also feel significantly better simply from talking with someone and releasing some thoughts and feelings that you have been holding on to.

A word here about medication treatment. You may be interested in taking medications or your therapist may recommend them as part of your treatment regimen. Psychiatric medications are very effective at treating a number of disorders and mental health conditions, however, there can be negatives associated with them. As with anything you put in your body, there can be side effects or other reactions. If taken for long periods, your tolerance can increase, which requires increased doses of the medication in order to remain effective. Cost is also a significant consideration as many of these drugs can be quite expensive. Also, medications do not help you manage your emotions or your situation, so if you discontinue the medication there is no guarantee that your stress will not return. However, in some cases medication is necessary and helpful. Do not discontinue therapy simply because you started taking a pill that made you feel better. If you have to stop taking that pill, you will be back at the beginning. Continued treatment may eliminate the need for that pill and you can resume your life with renewed confidence and happiness.

It's National Banana Split Day

Mmmm! Yummy!

August 25 is National Banana Split Day. That delicious combination of fruit, chocolate and ice cream deserves to be celebrated. Some of us even consider it a healthy treat (fruit and dairy are healthy, right?). Separately, they are tasty enough. Who doesn't like chocolate, strawberries, pineapple, ice cream, bananas and whipped cream? However, combined they are a flavor explosion of deliciousness. Stress is similar to a banana split. Most of us experience small, manageable stressors throughout our day. Finding a stain on our shirt as we are heading out the door is frustrating, but not a major catastrophe. Arriving to work a few minutes late may increase your heartrate for a few minutes, but it ususally subsides as you begin your workday. If your battery dies on your cell phone and you left the charger at home, you may feel the tension rise, but you have a phone at your desk so it doesn't affect your ability to work and get through your day. However, imagine if all of these things happen on the same morning. Your reaction would likely change significantly. Individually, these event were manageable, but combined they have a significant negative effect. You may even feel as if the world is working against you and the day will never get better. While it is true that undesirable events have taken place, allowing them to build only makes it more likely that more negative events will occur. You pick up your dead cell phone and throw it down, breaking it. You take your anger out on your boss, and are reprimanded. You drive too fast going home and get a speeding ticket. Something as simple as a stain or a dead cell phone battery has grown into negative experiences that may have long-lasting effects such as losing a job or higher car insurance premiums. Holding on to those negative thoughts are only going to make the situation worse and cause more stress. Instead of allowing simple unfortunate events snowball into significant life problems, let go of the negative thoughts. Laugh at small problems. Think logically about how to correct them rather than ruminating about how terrible you think the problems are. You can reduce a magnitude of stress by learning to effectively manage the minor stumbling blocks that occur throughout your day.

It's Getting Hot in Here!

The temperatures are soaring here in the Southern United States. I break into a sweat just getting into the car. Our yard is beginning to look like the Sahara. It's enough to make your blood boil. When people get hot, they tend to get cranky. What is a person to do? Just stay cool, literally and figuratively. To prevent physical heat, stay indoors during the hottest times of the day. If you exercise outdoors, try to do so in the mornings or evenings. Even late evenings can be sweltering, so stay hydrated and dress appropriately. If you must be outside during the heat of the day, wear light clothing and drink plenty of fluids. Even working indoors can lead to heat fatigue. If possible, sit away from the direct heat of windows or pull shades closed. If the air conditioning does not keep you cool, place electric fans in the area to keep you cool. For the psychological heat, take a deep breath and picture yourself in a cool and relaxing place. Imagine that you are sitting on a mountain top, with a crisp breeze blowing, looking across the countryside. Picture yourself swimming in the ocean, or a luxurious pool. Visualize yourself sitting on the balcony at a ski lodge up in the mountains. Feel the cool breeze blowing on your face as you sip hot apple cider. For just a moment take a mini mental vacation to a place where the temperatures are cooler, both inside and out!

Coping with Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Coping with individuals with narcissistic personality disorders can be frustrating and stress-inducing. Narcissistic personality disorder is a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration and a lack of empathy that begins in early adulthood and is present in a variety of contexts (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Fourth Edition Text Revision; American Psychiatric Association; 2000). These individuals have a grandiose sense of self-importance and appear boastful and pretentious. They routinely overestimate their abilities and inflate their accomplishments. They believe that they are superior and compare themselves favorably with famous or privileged people. They typically devalue the contributions of others, acknowledging only their own accomplishments (or perception of accomplishments). They participate in activities or careers that will provide them with the admiration and praise that they desire. These traits are immensely difficult for friends and family to cope with, often leading to social isolation and limited contact with family. They fail to see these social limitations as due to their own behavior, due to their superior nature, thus placing the blame on others.

While many do not believe in God or any higher power, some individuals with narcissistic personality disorders incorporate religious belief into their self-righteous perceptions. They do this through their belief that they are better Christians (place your own religious belief here) than others, or that their behavior is justified through their spiritual beliefs. 

These individuals, as defined by personality disorders, have dysfunctional perceptions of themselves and the world around them. They do not see the error in their thinking and believe that their perceptions are perfectly rational. While they may recognize the dysfunctional relationships in their lives, they attribute others with the cause of the dysfunction. Treatment of this condition is also quite challenging, due to the previously noted impaired perception as well as their belief that they are superior to others, including mental health professionals. Thus, prognosis is poor. 

Coping with individuals with narcissistic personality disorder, or narcissistic traits, is challenging. Do not try to change the individual yourself. This will only lead to further frustration and will not be productive. Instead, try to change your thinking about the individual. When you feel offended by his behavior, hurt by his statements or appalled by the lack of empathy for others, try to accept this as a disorder. Understand that the person's thinking is dysfunctional, and that you have done nothing to contribute to the negative behavior. If this proves too difficult, due to the limited possibility of improvement, it may be necessary to cut ties with this person or people. For more information about Narcissistic Personality Disorder refer to http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/narcissistic-personality-disorder 
or http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/narcissistic-personality-disorder/DS00652 

Finding Joy in . . . Flower Pots?

Sometimes you take on hobbies or get involved in activities and you don't know why exactly you started them. For me, I have found myself "getting crafty" lately. I made handprint plaques for my children to give the grandmothers for Mother's Day, I painted the resin turtle and koi fish that have been on my patio for years, and I have painted two decorative flower pots (so far). Why the sudden interest in crafts? It's not that I disliked crafts or painting in the past, I just have not spent a great deal of time engaging in those activities. Perhaps it is due to the stress that I have experienced lately. Perhaps subconsciously my mind knew, through experience and training, that it was time to engage in a pleasurable activity. Perhaps I just wanted the flower pots to match the patio furniture. Whatever the reason, my joy recently has been in painting and that works for me. What works for you?

An Update on Marriage

Here is a link to an article that I found relates well to my previous posts regarding marriage. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did. 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201003/the-expectations-trap 

Managing Your Time

Most people today juggle multiple hats. Work, family, church and extra curricular activities seem to take up more time than the day allows. It sometimes seems impossible to complete all the things we need to do. Some days the stress of simply thinking about daily tasks is overwhelming. Effective time management is the key to completing tasks and reducing stress. This skill comes naturally for some, but for others time management takes practice and patience. One method of managing time is prioritizing. Make a list of what needs to be accomplished and determine which tasks are the most important or need to be completed first. Planning for an upcoming party may be important, but paying the bills is a greater priority. Grocery shopping is a necessity, but finishing an overdue work project may need to be tackled first. When prioritizing, consider when the task needs to be completed, how much time the task will take to complete and if other tasks are dependent upon completion of this task. Also consider the effect of not completing the task. Sometimes the things we feel we need to do are not as important as we initially thought. We may think we have to buy a new pair of shoes for an upcoming event, however, after considering the time this activity will take, we may reconsider some of the shoes we already have in our closets. 

To-do-lists are one way to manage our time. Each week write a list of things that need to be accomplished. Break the list down by days and revisit the list each morning. Some items on the list may be carried over to the next day or next week if necessary. When a task is completed, mark through it on the list. The act of marking through items on the list reduces stress by visually reinforcing our efforts. Seeing the list dwindling down gives us a feeling of accomplishment. 

To-do-lists are also visual cues that keep us on track. We often become distracted by other activities during the day. While working on the computer, we may decide to check Facebook for only a few minutes, which leads to checking email, which leads to reorganizing pictures on our favorite photo software (guilty!). A few minutes can quickly turn into 30. Having a to-do-list nearby cues us to stay on track and minimizes distractions. 

Set goals for completing tasks. Deciding to finish, or stop working on, a project at a certain time ensures that there is time to complete other items on the list. If you know that you have a church activity at 6 p.m., you may decide to vacuum the house until 5:30. Knowing that there is a time limit may prevent you from getting distracted by other chores that need to be completed. 

Stick to the plan! This is sometimes the most challenging component of time management. Rewarding yourself for staying focused may help. Also, the reward of managing time well is reinforcing in itself. Remind yourself that sticking to the to-do-list gives you more free time. Choose activities that you would like to participate in during free time such as reading, playing games or catching up on your favorite TV show. More free time means less stress! 

Weather the Storm

As I sit down to write another article about spring and stress relief, I am looking outside at dark gray skies and monitoring the weather alerts. Not exactly a beautiful spring day -- or is it? Granted, tornadoes and severe weather that cause significant damage and harm to others can be tragic and heartbreaking. However, rainy, stormy days have beauty in themselves. I love a good thunderstorm. Who does not like listening to the rain? It is a wonderfully relaxing sound. Listen to the wind whistle and howl. Even thunder has a relaxing quality. The clouds seem to zoom across the sky in various layers and shades of gray. I enjoy rainy days almost as much as sunny ones. I think of the rain as cleansing --  a baptism of sorts. It is like the Earth is taking a bath. So, do not be discouraged when the skies are dark and gloomy. Soak them in.   

It's Game Time!

Spring is the time for outdoor sports to resume. Drive around town and you are likely to see (and hear) children playing baseball, softball and soccer. Many children have already begun baseball or some form of it. While having children participate in sports can be stressful due to the added time and energy, try to enjoy the time you have. After all, you may be getting a little time to have conversations with adults outside of work. Enjoy the fresh air and sunshine. Cheer on your little ball player and enjoy the blue sky, the fresh air, the smell of popcorn and the sound of aluminum bats hitting a baseball or children cheering when they kick a goal.  Maybe you participate in adult league sports. This is another great way to enjoy the outdoors, get some exercise and have fun! Maybe baseball and soccer are not your thing, or your child's. Try golf, tennis or shoot some hoops in your driveway or local outdoor basketball court. There are activities for almost any interest and skill level from horseshoes to horseback riding. Get out there and participate in something! 

Work it Out!

We all know the benefits of exercise, right? Better physique, more energy, lower blood pressure, lower blood sugar and other health benefits. Did you know exercise can also improve your mood and reduce stress? I will refrain from getting too scientific, but moderate exercise releases  "feel good chemicals" in your brain. That is what is sometimes referred to as a "runner's high."  In addition, the sense of accomplishment from getting a good workout can also be exhilarating. That "Yes, I did it!" feeling can do wonders for stress. Now that it is spring and the temperature is pleasant, why not maximize the benefits of exercise on your mood and stress levels by getting outdoors. Run or walk briskly each day after work or early in the morning. Really be in the moment, get in touch with nature. Do some lunges, sit ups and squats in your yard, or in a local park if you do not mind other people watching. Practice Tai Chi or Yoga outside for a wonderful stress reducing exercise.  Get out there and work it out! 

Gotta add the disclaimer here: If you have significant health problems or physical limitations, talk to you doctor to determine which activity is appropriate for you. Don't hurt yourself.

Grow Your Stress Away

Spring is the season for gardening. Whether you enjoy watching flowers bloom or tomatoes turning red, there is something for everyone. You may be asking yourself, "What does this have to do with stress management?" Gardening is a great way to reduce stress and anxiety. Getting closer to nature is a wonderful way to manage stress, anxiety and also depression. While the initial effort may be, well, exhausting, once your plants are in the ground, fertilized, watered and mulched, you can begin reaping your rewards. For some, the physical effort involved in gardening is therapeutic in itself. It is sort of like sweating your stress away. Once your fruits and vegetables begin to grow and flowers begin to bloom, there is a feeling of satisfaction. Then there is the time when you can cut those flowers and put them in a vase on the dining room table and enjoy them while eating the produce you grew yourself. Delightful! However, not everyone has a green thumb. There are plants that are virtually foolproof, no matter what color your thumb is. Visit your local nursery and talk to them about what is available. Even if you don't have a yard, there are herbs, plants and flowers that can grow easily in a windowsill. Don't worry if your initial efforts are not a grand success, it happens to everyone. Gardening is a hobby that you never master (sorry Master Gardeners). There is always more to learn and do. Find your happiness . . . in the garden!

Fresh Air is Good for the Soul

When the temperatures rise and we come out of our winter shells, spending time outdoors can do wonders for mood stability, anxiety and stress. Just opening the windows and letting the fresh air flow through your home is enough to boost your spirits. On a glorious spring day, all you have to do is sit on a park bench or swing on your front porch to reduce the stress from a busy workday. While you are sitting, maximize the effects of the moment by listening to the birds chirping or the wind blowing. Feel the sun and the breeze. Look at the beautiful blue sky and watch the clouds as they move across it. Smell the flowers blooming or the fresh cut grass. Be totally in the moment. Feel the stress leaving your body. This is a wonderful mindfulness activity that is quite effective for reducing stress and anxiety. Try it today!

Spring is Here!

It's spring! It's that time of year when the temperatures are perfect, the skies are blue, birds are singing and flowers bloom. Those individuals who suffer from seasonal affective disorder, or "the winter blues," are feeling more like themselves again. This is a great time to take advantage of outdoor activities and reduce stress. I am a firm believer that spending time outside can improve mood, reduce stress and even help you sleep better. I will spend the next few days exploring outdoor activities that may help you find your happiness. I am certain that many of you already know and enjoy the benefits of spending time outside. Comment, email or message any ideas to me and I may include them!

Dads Get Stressed, Too

I have talked a lot about the stress of being a mom. I suppose that is because I have experienced such stress personally. However, I have not forgotten dads. Dads get stressed, too. The stress for dads is different, though, and men experience stress differently than women. That is in part because in our society men take on the role of caretaker, head of the family and "breadwinner." Although in recent years there has been a shift in these roles as women take on more financial responsibilities and earn more money, the perception that men have remains the same. This in itself causes many men a great deal of stress. They feel that the success and happiness of the family is dependent on them. If the family is struggling financially, men often feel that they have failed. This is particularly the case when men earn less money or lose their jobs due to layoffs and work reductions that have been so common in this economy. 

The expectations for men have also changed. Men now take on more roles previously assigned for women. They cook, clean and care for children in addition to their previous responsibilities. This change has occurred due to the increase of women in the workforce when compared to a few decades ago. While this change benefits women, who simply cannot reasonably work full-time and complete all of the responsibilities at home, it can be stressful for men who are still transitioning to that role. In a sense, it is emasculating. Cooking and cleaning are not "manly" jobs in our society. Taking care of children is not a masculine chore. Men should not be blamed or criticized for these feelings, it is inherent in our nature. Since the beginning of time men were the hunters and women were the gatherers. That was the society of that time and for many, many years of human existence. Our society is changing and evolution takes time. 

Many men have already adapted to their "new" roles and quite enjoy them. However, some men still struggle with changing roles, in addition to the general stress that men endure due to their "previous" roles. How can men manage their stress? Men experience and cope with stress differently than women. While many men have difficulty talking about their feelings, they should be strongly encouraged to do so. As a therapist I can tell you that men who have learned to express their feelings say that it does help. Find someone you can be honest and open with. It may be your wife or girlfriend, a best friend, a family member or a minister. If stress is significantly impacting you personally, at work or at home, consider talking to a therapist. Often just a couple of sessions make a difference. Also find relaxing activities to participate in regularly. Golf, fishing and gardening are great outdoor activities that can be enjoyed much of the year. Reading, exercising and strategy games can be done indoors. Prioritize your activities. You may not be able to get everything completed that needs to be done, but complete the most important things. Perhaps the most important, and possibly most challenging, relaxation strategy is to learn to let things go. If you cannot change it, then find a way to stop worrying about it. If you are doing your best, then your family will appreciate and love you no matter what. 

Marital Stress (Part 3)

Marital Stress (Part 3)

I really thought I was done after Part 2, but I could not stop there. I feel it is also important to discuss relationship values.

On what values are successful marriages built? We know about trust and understanding. In order to have a deep meaningful relationship with another person, you must be able to trust what they say and understand who they are and vice versa. Those are obvious points, although not always simple.

What about selflessness? How can someone truly love and support you if they place their own needs first? On the flip side, how can you truly love and support someone else if you place your own needs first? You know the saying “there’s no I in team.” Well, couples are teams. What the couple does individually should serve to benefit the “team” as a whole.

I see this as one of society’s greatest weaknesses. Selfishness is overwhelming in our society. This generation, myself included, has been taught that we can do and be and have whatever we want. However, somewhere along the way to getting what we want we lost the ability to give. I believe this is more than just about compromise. Compromise is a beginning. Compromise indicates working together to make a decision on which both can agree. It is a necessary skill, but I think marriage needs more. Selflessness is saying “I love you and I want you to be happy, and if you are happy, then I am happy. Selflessness is joy in seeing your significant other living a full and satisfying life. Selflessness is putting the needs of others before your own. There is joy in selflessness.

This is a difficult concept for many people to understand. We have been taught that we are important and do not let anyone get in your way. We have been taught to be independent and take care of ourselves first. It is a challenging balance, but it is possible to value ourselves and be selfless at the same time. We do have needs that need to be met, and if our significant other is selfless as well, then those needs will be met.

It is all in how we think and perceive things. If we tell ourselves that our needs should come first, then we become frustrated and impatient when those needs do not get met. However, if we tell ourselves that the needs of others are of greatest importance, then we do not become so tired and angry. It takes practice and patience, but changing the selfish mindset is possible. We are human and selfishness will often find a way to sneak in. Forgive yourself and try again. Find joy in giving and you will find happiness!

Marital Stress (Part 2)

The focus of this post is PREVENTION. How do you PREVENT marital stress? Well, that is kind of a trick question because you can’t actually prevent marital stress. Stress is normal and healthy. Overcoming challenges in a marriage can actually help the marriage grow stronger. However, you can reduce the likelihood and intensity marital stress and discord.

Communication

It is no secret that communication is a key component to any successful marriage. Successful communication involves active listening and conscientious speaking. Notice I said “successful” communication. Dogs communicate. Do you understand what a dog says? No, thus communication is not successful. Some conversations people have with one another are not that different from having a conversation with a dog. You kind of get the idea of what the dog wants – to go outside, food, attention – but you do not get the full picture or sometimes are completely wrong.

Active Listening

Listening and hearing are not equal. To actively listen, you must have the ability to recall and understand most of what is said. Active listening involves requesting clarification when you are not sure what the speaker trying to express. If your wife says “I just had a terrible day,” it would be beneficial to clarify this further. She could be saying that she dislikes her job, her boss, or her co-workers or that she has been feeling under the weather. If your best male friend says “I don’t feel like going to the game” he could be saying he is disappointed in the team’s performance lately or that he is avoiding someone that he knows will be there. Requesting clarification prevents assumptions, which relationship killers. We all know the saying, when you assume you make an – well, you get the idea. Never assume you understand what someone else is saying.

Active listening also involves reflection. Reflection is restating what the other person has said. This further enhances clarification, but also shows the listener that you are indeed listening to what they say and demonstrates comprehension. Using reflective listening is very meaningful to the speaker and often reciprocates into effective listening on his part as well.

Conscientious Speaking

“Well, I didn’t mean it THAT way!” You have likely spoken those words many times. Often misinterpretation is unavoidable, but many times we can prevent our words from being misunderstood by making speaking an active process. Think before you speak. That’s right you have heard it before. Before you speak, especially during an intense conversation, say the words in your head. Consider how the words will be interpreted. Do they say what you mean? Are they expressing thoughts or are they emotional words used to last out at another person? Will you regret saying them? Will your words hurt others? It may sound like a lot, but the pause in the conversation is well worth the conscious effort of careful speaking. If you are not able to speak without saying something hurtful do to the emotional nature of the conversation, take a break. Tell the speaker that you need to walk away for a few minutes and use the time to calm down. If the other person is an acquaintance or co-worker, you may prefer to make an excuse and simply excuse yourself for a moment. Take a few deep breaths and use positive thinking to relax and gather yourself, then return to the conversation.

These skills do not come naturally for everyone. Our style of listening and speaking forms over years of practice and observation of those around us. Making changes takes practice and time. No matter how much you practice, no one is perfect. Give yourself the gift of forgiveness when you make mistakes and use those lessons to try again.

Marital Stress (Part 1)

Marital issues are weighing heavy on my heart lately. Don't worry, Tim and I are fine, but I have had at least three people that I care about to be affected recently by marital problems. It hurts my heart to see others go through the pain of marital discourse and potential divorce. I feel compelled to write about it. Not that my little blog or Examiner articles are going to save marriages . . . but . . . you never know. If nothing else I hope that the information I can provide provokes discussion for married couples and opens the door for productive communication. 

[This is taken directly from Examiner.com. It focuses on stress because that's my role there. I plan to write another article and possibly a separate blog post to address specific marital problems and solutions]

The divorce rate in this country is on the decline. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports that in 2009 there were 3.4 divorces per 1,000 people, down from 4.0 in 2000. It should be noted that recent reports do not include statistics from all states, including California, Georgia, Hawaii or Louisiana. Reports that say “half of all marriages will end in divorce” are actually quite misleading as there is no way to predict how many marriages will end in divorce. This myth results from a misinterpretation of facts that state that the number of divorces each year is approximately half the number of marriages. While the decline is encouraging, there continue to be many homes and lives torn apart each year due to divorce and marital discourse. Finances, parenting and responsibilities at home tend to be common sources of tension between husbands and wives. Added stressors such as infidelity, drug or alcohol abuse or domestic violence can cause stress to become unmanageable.

The stress that stems from an unhappy marriage may lead to anger, irritability, depression and excessive worry. These “side effects” further make it difficult to focus on and resolve marital problems. What can you do to reduce marital stress? Find a source of social support. Locate a formal support group in your area through a search in the newspaper or contacting churches or community mental health centers. Talk to a friend, but be selective. Choose friends who you believe will be supportive of you giving unsolicited or negative advice. A female friend who you know will simply “husband bash” [or male friends who “wife bash”], may love and care about you, but is not giving you the kind of support you need to make rational decisions. This leads to another stress reducer -- avoiding negative thinking. Ruminating over what is wrong with your marriage or all of your spouse’s less than ideal traits does not solve the problem and often leads to increased anger and negativity. Instead of thinking about what is wrong with the situation, focus on what you can do to change the negative aspects of the marriage.

Continue reading on Examiner.com: Marital Stress (Part 1) - Jackson Stress Management | Examiner.com http://www.examiner.com/stress-management-in-jackson/marital-stress-part-1#ixzz1Fx9H3iMs

Stress and the Working Mom

I have been on both sides of the mom equation, both at work and at home. For me, being a working mom was much more stressful. Working moms have two full-time jobs. The major difference between the two jobs is one pays and one does not. Let us review the day of the average working mom. Get up in the morning, get the children up, get the children dressed and fed, get self dressed and fed, gather all work/school items including backpacks, lunch boxes (oh, yeah moms fix these, too), purses, coats, brief cases or laptops, mobile phones . . . and more. Load children into the car, buckle them in, drive them to school and/or day care, drop them off (often at different locations), go to work, work all day, get off work, pick up children from school/day care load them into car, buckle them in, drive home, unload all previously mentioned work/school items, fix snacks, start dinner, feed family, wash dishes, give baths, get children ready for bed, get children in bed, go to bed. Does that about cover it? Now, I did not give Dads credit here, but given this is a two-parent household, Dads take on some of the above responsibilities. However, if this is a single-parent household, forget it moms, it is all you! Why do moms do it? I can think of three reasons. The first reason is financial. Single-moms have no choice but to work. Many two-parent households also have no other choice in order to pay bills and buy basic needs. For other moms, it is actually a better choice for them. Some moms feel that the stress of staying at home with their children all day is actually greater than the stress of working. Being with children all day requires a great deal of patience, and not everyone has it. A third reason moms choose to work is the feeling of contributing to society or fulfilling a personal goal. Some moms feel that they have something to give others in a workplace setting and working a full-time job may be the only way to do this. 

How can working moms manage stress? Schedule "me" time. Daily if at all possible. After the kids are in bed, take a hot bubble bath, find a quiet reading corner, or go for an after-dark walk through the neighborhood. During work, pack a lunch and eat outside at a local park or near the office if there are outside tables available. If retail therapy is in order, do a little shopping during lunch or at least window shop if finances are limited. Schedule private activities on the weekend. Allow Dad to stay at home with the kids for a few hours while Mom goes to a movie with a girlfriend, does some shopping, or takes a class. Schedule a date night weekly or at least monthly so Mom and Dad can have time alone together. Find the support of other working moms. Prioritize activities. One extracurricular activity per child at one time limits stressors.  Learn to say no to unnecessary requests such as volunteering for school or church. If the teacher asks you to be room mother, suggest that there be more than one room mother to share the job or suggest that you will provide items for parties instead of planning them.  If nothing seems to help, perhaps a career change is in order. A less stressful job or a more flexible work schedule leads to less stress at home. Perhaps reducing work hours is an option. Look at your budget and determine if it is possible to work part-time by cutting back on unnecessary expenses such as the "premium" cable channels, memberships to gyms or golf clubs or cutting back on spending. In some cases, the reduction of costs from not working, such as less money spent on gas, lunch, or day care, may offset the reduction in salary.

Moms today are expected to be "super mom." They are supposed to do it all, do it with a smile, and decorate it with homemade frosting. There are some moms who come pretty close. I am not one of those moms.  Learn to be realistic. Do what you can with what you have and accept that everyone fails sometimes. We don't expect our children to be perfect, moms don't have to be perfect either.

Visualization for Stress Management - Example

Let me first give my disclaimer: This blog is not intended to provide therapy. If you are experiencing significant, overwhelming stress or anxiety or you are having panic attacks, seek professional treatment.

OK, I feel better now that that is out of the way. As promised, I am going to walk you through my own personal "happy place" or visualization technique. I am a beach person, so my "happy place" is on a beach. Do not feel that you have to use the beach for relaxation. Perhaps you burn easily or you are allergic to sand. Please feel free to use this as a guide to design your own happy place, wherever it may be. 

Prepare by going to a dark quiet place if at all possible. Turn on relaxing music or white noise if needed. Get comfortable, close your eyes . . .

I am walking out of my hut where I live on my own private island. I see the view from my door, out onto the beach, to the waves, to the sky. I see this picture getting closer as I walk toward the surf. I feel the sand beneath my bare feet. It is warm, but not hot. I feel my feet sinking in the soft sand. I feel each step I take and see myself getting closer and closer. When I reach the water, I look out toward the ocean. I watch the waves coming in. I see the sunlight glistening off the water, I feel the breeze blowing against my face and hair. I feel the sun on my skin. I smell the salty air. I hear the waves crashing, the wind blowing, and the gulls calling. I turn and walk along the edge of the water. I feel the sand again, as I take each step. I continue feeling, seeing, hearing, smelling. I see two palm trees in the distance. I see them getting closer with each step. As I approach, I notice the hammock hanging between them. I see and feel each step as I reach the hammock. I reach out and take the hammock, then gracefully lie down in it (completely unrealistic at this point). I feel the hammock sway from side-to-side as I continue to feel the breeze and sun, and hear the waves crashing. 

I have used this strategy and described it to clients enough that I am conditioned to it. As soon as my feet hit the sand, I feel my body immediately relax. Feel free to adapt this example to suit yourself. Maybe you are on a cruise ship, on top of a mountain, in the woods, wherever "relaxing" is to you. If you are just completely uncreative (is that a word?), print this off and read it to yourself until you know it by heart. 

Stress management technique - Visualization

Let's dive in to a real stress management technique shall we? I'll start with my favorite, visualization. This technique can be highly effective, with practice, for a multitude of personal tribulations. I used it in therapy with individuals who suffered from depression, anxiety, general stress, trauma, you name it! You may have heard of or even used this technique before, particularly if you participated in Lamaze or childbirth classes, or if you have ever used guided imagery tapes/CD's, et cetera. 
Basically, visualization is picturing yourself somewhere else or doing something else.  Sounds simple enough, right? It is not always that easy, especially if you are experiencing significant stress. The mental effort it takes to concentrate fully on something when you are stressed can be quite taxing. This is where the practice comes in. The more you use this strategy, the easier it gets and the faster it works. Ready? 
1. Find a quiet place. Try to be in a quiet room with no one else around. You may need some sort of noise or music to block out background noise. Fans work well or relaxing instrumental music. If you have a CD or MP3 of relaxing sounds such as ocean waves or rain forest sounds this would be appropriate as well, especially if the sounds fit into your particular visualization. However, silence is equally effective, if not more.  
2. Get comfortable. Lie or sit down. Get yourself situated before you begin. 
3. Choose your "happy place." Yes, Peter Pan was right. If pure relaxation to you is sitting on the beach in the sun, then use it. If your idea of peace is sitting in a field of flowers, then go there. Maybe you are a fisherman. You might be sitting in a boat on the lake. Whatever works for you is fine as long as it is something relaxing and peaceful.  
4. Now, close your eyes and picture it, whatever it is. Really see it in your mind. Picture every detail.  
5. Add your other senses, what do you hear? What do you feel? What do you smell? Add as many details to the experience as you can to make your visualization as realistic as possible. 

How do you feel? The first time may be difficult, especially if you are particularly stressed. The first few times are also more difficult because you have to think about each step in the process. With practice, visualization becomes easier because you do not have to think so hard about it, and your brain is allowed to just relax. Also, with practice, relaxation becomes a conditioned response, which means your brain/body recognizes what is about to happen and immediately begins to relax. 

On my next post I'll describe my own "happy place. " You can use this for reference to help you design and personalize your own mental vacation or you can use it verbatim as a guided imagery tool.

Stress and the Stay-at-home-mom

Do stay-at-home-moms (or SAHMs) have less stress than mom's who work? The general answer is no. However, it is a different type of stress. Working mom's have to balance work and home, while  SAHMs have to balance home with home. From my own experience, I have significantly less stress since becoming a SAHM. While working I had to get up, shower, and dress in the morning, get kids up, dressed, and fed then drop them off at school or daycare. Then the workday begins. When work was over, pick kids up (if the hubby hadn't already), go home, cook supper, feed kids and self, clean dishes, bathe kids, brush teeth, read books, and put kids to bed. By that point I was ready for bed myself. I left out the parts about diapers and feedings. Looking  back, how did I survive? Barely, that's how. Stressors at that time included getting places on time (which I seldom did), taking off work for doctor's appointments, sick kids (Heaven forbid I should ever be sick myself), and school functions, trying to run errands or take care personal matters during the workday, the rat race of responsibilities at home between 5 and 8 pm, and having NO time for myself. As a SAHM, a lot of those stressors are gone. The "time for myself" part is still a challenge and it's kind of like going to a job that you never leave. I still have to get my 6-year-old to school and picked up on time, but I'm much better at that now. And running errands during the day is much simpler, with the exception of my 3-year-old appendage. Interestingly, my house is no cleaner and ironing still does not get done. Ever try keeping a house clean with the aforementioned 3-year-old appendage following you around all day and a 6-year-old getting home at 2:30? However, the joy of actually SPENDING TIME with my kids that doesn't involve baths or frantic meals is the ultimate reward. Now the pay scale is another matter entirely . . .

Irony?

Taking a detour from the style of my previous posts for a more personal approach today. Maybe I'm just tired of writing about "information" for a moment. I've been extremely busy lately with all the writing I'm doing, which is a good thing. What does busy often lead to? You guessed it! Stress! How's that for irony? I've become stressed while writing about stress. However, I was only briefly overwhelmed and I actually did practice what I preach, which is relatively unusual, and when my work became unproductive, I put it down. The next morning I was ready to start again. My child was mildly neglected yesterday, but I finished what I set out to do and was done by 5:00. I did pick up a pen and jot down a few things while they were on my mind. Now, I am ready to go again! I have always thought about writing, but I mostly thought of writing on the creative side of things. Problem is, I'm not a creative person. I'm more of a logical thinker, a left-brainer if you will. When the opportunity presented itself to write non-fiction material about mental health, it was like a light bulb went off. Not like a 60 watt bulb you put in a lamp, more like a Christmas tree light. It was only after I started writing and realized "hey,I can do this!" that the wattage kicked up. So, here it is! Hopefully I won't lose my enthusiasm and thus momentum too quickly, but that wouldn't be unlike me if it were to happen. Wish me luck! 

Technology and Stress

If you are reading this right now, you are using technology. Technology helps us stay informed, do our jobs, communicate with friends and family across the street and across the world (and sometimes across the room). You have the ability to simultaneously order a pizza, listen to your favorite tunes, update your status, text your friends, and type a report for work, all while talking to your Mom on the phone. The benefits of technology are tremendous and devastating at the same time. You check work email on vacation on your smartphone. You plan a birthday party using your Bluetooth headset while driving. You check your favorite social networking site last thing before laying your head on the pillow. Your brain is on overdrive. There is no downtime. Children and teenagers are no exception. They are plugged in as much or more than adults and this constant feeling of "I need to do this" may lead to a constant state of stress or even anxiety that lasts long after the stressors are removed. Your brain needs downtime to recuperate and perform at its best just like our muscles do after exercise. Give your brain a mini vacation an hour or more a day. Turn off the laptop, mp3 player, and even the smartphone (ugh). Read a book; the kind with real pages. Why? If you are reading a book on your iPad you are much more likely to say "I just need to check my email for a second." It is much harder to resist the distractions when they are right there in your hands. Take a walk outside. Have a face-to-face conversation without electronic distractions. For example, you might implement a zero electronic device dinnertime rule. The text messages can wait. Also, removing these technological stressors an hour prior to bedtime may significantly improve sleep. Insomnia is a major contributor to rising stress levels. Giving your brain time to relax before lying down may help you fall asleep easier. Technology is a marvelous asset to society when used in moderation.  However, in excess it can be a burden that increases stress levels. Take a break. Your brain and your stress level will thank you.

Stress and the Economy

The economy has affected Americans in a variety of ways. For those most impaired, the stress of financial strain, reduced wages, hours, or benefits, or even loss of a job or home can be devastating. Although it seems impossible, you can reduce the effects of stress even in these drastic circumstances. Some may feel that in using these strategies they are ignoring or diminishing the severity of their problems. Spend time planning and problem-solving, don't ignore the problem, but when thinking becomes unproductive, it is time to stop. Keep your mind busy, count your blessings, and focus on what you can change.

Welcome!

Have you ever felt stressed? Of course you have! The what, where, when, why, and how may vary, but the fact remains that we all share the common experience we call "stress." On this blog, I will explore the causes of stress, signs and symptoms of stress, and of course strategies for resolving stress. We all have or have had problems related to our job, our family, our relationships, or personal issues. I hope that you visit often and that you relate to the topic, gain some useful knowledge, and utilize the strategies that will be provided. We can ALL benefit from "stress management."

Coming soon!: You can also view my articles at examiner.com.